Like many people living in today’s high tech society, I have more than one email account. My newest email is the very one I created to receive any potential feedback concerning this column. For some reason, I imagined hordes of angry people taking a few minutes to anonymously tell me what a horrible writer I am, but so far that hasn’t happened.
Because my email filter is set to “high,” I have to comb through my junk file every so often to search for mislabeled friendly mail. In doing this, I have discovered that I receive a large quantity of scam email with the majority requesting that I correspond with some fortuitous, if not slightly shady, bank auditor who accidentally stumbled upon millions of dollars while combing through the records of some poorly run financial institution in Ouagadougou. This trustworthy guy or gal wants to share the wealth with me because they can’t get all that money out of the country without my help.
ME! Here in Highlands County, Florida! Astonishing.
Now here’s the kicker: the only requirement of me is that I send them every last piece of personal information including my American bank account number because, you know, they have to wire all that money somewhere.
Sometimes, I actually want to send it just to let them be disappointed to find that my personal checking account at Bank of America has a whopping $0.24 in it. No, that is not a misplaced decimal. I long to see the look on Manila Mohamed Hassan M. Nur’s face when he drains my account dry. What would he spend his fortune on? If he could borrow a penny, he’d have a quarter, provided that the bank didn’t charge a withdrawal fee.
In another email from Mis Ehivet Kafoumba, she writes: “Hello Dear, How are you doing? Hope fine. Im Mis ehivet” (Note: all spelling and punctuation are hers). There is also something posted at the bottom, but it is in another language so I’m afraid to share it because it might mean something offensive about gullible Americans. If I emailed her back, I’m sure I’d get the bank auditing story all over again.
Miss Joy Kipkalya Kones of Kenya has recently lost her father in a plane accident. Her wicked step mother has taken all the inheritance except for her father’s briefcase that she “fined.” In his briefcase was a deposit slip for eight and a half million United States dollars which was placed in a bank in, guess where! Burkina Faso! Her name is listed as “next of skin.”
Joy is not only looking for someone to help her get all that money, but also needs a husband. I get a surprising amount of junk email from people who think I’m a man.
Lately, I have also been receiving several emails that appear to be written in Mandarin Chinese, but I have no hope of deciphering them.
Today’s column has been a public service announcement. Please don’t open or respond to those emails. The only reason they are sent is because they have worked at least once. You’re better off keeping your hard-earned money stuffed in your mattress.