In honor of Andy Rooney’s retirement from “60 Minutes,” I have decided to expose my inner crotchety old woman and share a short list of my pet peeves. The fact that I have a list should suffice as homage to Mr. Rooney.
1). People who talk in movies. My brother used to do this when he was a kid. He’d loudly discuss what just happened as if the rest of us didn’t see the exact same scene at the exact same time he did. It was almost like he felt we required an explanation because our tender minds couldn’t possibly comprehend a simple movie plot on its own. It was so torturous, that I had to sit several rows away from him.
Genetics is a cruel and complicated subject in that, somehow, my brother’s most bothersome childhood behaviors have resurfaced in my own son. You almost have to be cruel to get the boy to keep his mouth shut during a television show. He even laughs like my brother. God loves a good joke; particularly the kind that plays out over many years with a punch line that is seldom appreciated.
2). The drop-off loop at the elementary school. This is where parents part with their precious children for the day. I embrace the moment that I can relish in a little exile from my kids, but it would seem that some parents feel the loop is the perfect place to engage in excessive conversation!
I’d like to invent a type of ejection system that would assist my children in exiting the vehicle faster; something that I’d have to barely reduce my speed to accomplish. The loop is not the place for long goodbyes or for writing that lunch money check. There is an ideal area that you could effectively utilize called a parking space.
3). People who complain about everything. These are the folks who see the world through brown-tinged spectacles. If you comment on how nice the weather is, they respond, “Yeah, if it weren’t for the bright sun and cool breeze!” When you say “Happy birthday,” they inevitably retort, “What’s so great about it? I’m just another day closer to death.” I’m not sure how these people survived long enough to complain so much, but I am positive that their existence serves some weird universe-balancing purpose.
4). People who use their cell phones everywhere. I used to waitress and one of the rudest behaviors that a customer could execute was to wave you over only to answer their cell and disregard your presence. It is bad enough that the people around them are forced to overhear the trials and tribulations of a perfect stranger’s life. Though I love the flexibility of having a mobile connection device, I sometimes miss the days when a person had to be at home to receive a phone call. There was a freedom to it that today’s youth could never understand.
5). The methodical murder of the English language. I text quite a bit because it saves me from having to talk on the phone, hence, getting my ear all sweaty, but I possess a strong belief that numbers should never take the place of words. There is a distinct difference between “to” and “too,” neither of which should be substituted by “2” (unless you are the artist formerly known as Prince in search of a title for your new album).
Retire well, Mr. Rooney. There are many of us who will attempt to carry your torch in order to illuminate that which is ridiculous. Your legacy shall survive and flourish.
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