Countdown to domestic disaster

“Stop being unnecessarily annoying!”

 I actually said this to my children in the hopes that a flicker of understanding would penetrate through their auditory canals and into their brains for immediate processing. Needless to say, it didn’t work. I think it may have had something to do with the wording, but it made me start thinking about children annoyance levels and the need for a universal standardized scaling system. In my own estimation, there are at least six steps in this process.

The first would be “under the radar.” This is where I chose to conduct most of my kid-time operations, but my own progeny lack the element of subtlety. If they ever figure out how much unnoticed trouble they could create at this stage, I might begin to get worried. In the meantime, they act more like crazed chimps wearing cow-bells while shouting “LOOK AT ME!” through a megaphone, so I’m not real concerned about them being sneaky.

The second level would be an acceptable or minor infraction. This would result in a single word correction from a parent like “Stop” or “No.” The child would listen and go about their business with no further action needed. I may as well call this the imaginary level because I never see this happen in my house.

The third is the aforementioned “unnecessary annoyance” which, on this particular day, consisted of the children’s insistence on sharing the love seat. There are five seating choices in our living room, but they continually choose the one option that possesses a high probability rate for an accidental leg or feet touching episode; bickering results and the progression of annoyance exacerbation continues on its natural course.

Level four leads them into imminent danger. This usually happens when the whole family is in the car together for more than 30 minutes which puts us all in an uncomfortable type of extended close proximity. The children can’t handle the pressure and take their angst out on each other which sends a ripple effect of aggravation to the front section of the vehicle. This level has the potential to be rapidly reduced to a level one or two by suddenly pulling over to the side of the road, preferably in a dramatic fashion so as to elicit the maximum fear response from the kids.

Level five causes severe parental irritation. As a mom, this is when my body starts producing involuntary reactions like eye twitching, slurring of words, sudden-onset potty mouth, and calling one child by their sibling’s name or, even better, the dog’s name. The worst thing they could possibly do at this point is laugh in which case, level six becomes fully engaged.

Level six should actually be called “DEFCON 1” because there is maximal force readiness on the part of the parental unit. This danger zone would necessitate immediate evacuation of any child from the parent’s visual field if they knew what was good for them. Usually, they either don’t know what’s good for them or aren’t aware enough to care and opt to stand around looking confused concerning what is about to happen and surprised that they had anything at all to do with it.

Thankfully, the kids are back in school after their recent winter break which is probably a good thing for all of us. We haven’t reached level six in almost 5 days which is pleasantly refreshing. If they stay on their present course, my body’s internal chemical balance should be fully restored by next Friday.