Fifty Shades of Bland

Last night, I finished reading a trilogy that I am a little ashamed to admit I even read: the “Fifty Shades of Grey” love/hate/submissive/dominate saga.

I am not a book snob…you know the people: they turn their nose in the air and scoff at any book you may have just enjoyed. For the record, my eyes have absorbed every word of the “Twilight” series and hungrily devoured the entire collection that J.K. Rowling offered concerning Harry Potter.

I also have a deep appreciation for Austen and desire a fraction of the wit possessed by Dickens, but my favorite authors are a grab-bag mix of unrelated styles including Toni Morrison, Chuck Palahniuk, Stephen King, and, newly added to my list, Ellen Hopkins (thanks Meredith).

I am saying all of this in preparation to do something I don’t normally do: give a bad book review.

I do not do this because I rarely read books I don’t enjoy. First, you must wonder why I read the three books if I didn’t like them. Here is my lame answer: because they were quick, easy reads and I kept hoping and expecting them to go somewhere they never went.

SPOILER ALERT!!!! DO NOT READ ANY MORE IF YOU EVER WANT TO READ THIS SERIES!!!!

First of all, these books were a pornographic version of “Twilight.” Let me break it down in simple terms: ordinary, brown-haired virgin meets a super-rich, dangerous guy….he tries to warn her about himself, but she doesn’t listen and they fall in love, but the bad people from his past want to hurt them….he’s very stalker-ish and overprotective and doesn’t like her to have relationships with any men…especially dark-haired Native American men named Jacob….I mean, Mexican American men named Jose. Whatever.

Everyone who knows anything about these books knows they deal with the dominate/submissive lifestyle and they do touch the safest edges of that area of intimacy. If you are expecting some crazy, hardcore nonsense, then don’t hold your breath because our heroine is helping to cure Mr. Dominate of his evil tendencies one very descriptive scene at a time.

Speaking of that, you get bored of reading these scenes. I remember in the “Twilight” series when IT finally happened, there was very little actual description of the activity at all. You see, our own imaginations are more than capable of filling in the delicious details. James never gives us that opportunity because about 98% of the scenes are written from start to finish.

I began skimming over those parts to get back to the story: “then Christian….tongue…..Oh….kissed my thigh…..yes…..the next morning...FINALLY!”  Really, if there was going to be that much description, why not have them jump up and brush their teeth before locking lips first thing in the morning? That’s real life. Morning breath is a real thing. I can relate to that.

Speaking of repetition, how many times can you call a person “mercurial” in three books? I wish I would’ve counted because I know it had to be about 40 times that word was used. I looked up thesaurus.com to find some alternative words for future reference: temperamental, capricious, erratic, explosive, fickle, petulant, touchy, fiery, unpredictable, moody, neurotic, and volatile.

The actual story was pretty weak and not believable. This is coming from a person who can seriously suspend some belief. I’ve read about an alien living in the sewers and haunting kids by appearing as a freaky clown and it terrified the crap out of me! I’ve travelled with Tolkien across Middle Earth and been inside Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland. I’m willing to go on a journey, but the story has got to grab me and take me there. This story was bland from beginning to end. I found myself wanting to punish the characters…all of them. I wanted to bend them all over my knee and make them cry for being petulant whiners.

Listen, Ana: you were given a contract…a blueprint, if you will…of a relationship that this man wanted. Don’t act surprised when he wants what he asked you for! Seriously? We got 3 books out of this concept?

Anyway, I read them all so who is the bigger fool?

I’m off to read the latest Hopkins novels. I’m sure she will not disappoint. Poetry and pain wrapped in modern day abuse and trauma…..that is my new addiction.

I will put Fifty Shades to rest and go on with my life. I’m glad I read it and got it out of my system. That is about all I can say that is positive.